* Love and marriage *
* Go together like A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try *
* And you will only come To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
TV REPORTER: Yes, Christmas Eve is finally here,
and so is the new Lakeside Mall.
Bring the little kiddies.
We've got six Santas. No waiting.
And for you bigger kids, come to the Red Nose Bar
and meet Santa's very special reindeer, Donna.
So come on down. We're open till midnight.
Singers?
* Santa Claus is coming To the Lakeside Mall **
Thanks for the help, kids.
Oh, by the way, listen.
If you're thinking
about what to get old Dad for Christmas,
don't worry about it.
You've already given it to him.
It's called a hernia.
Dad, can we go to that new Lakeside Mall?
Kelly can shop, you can get bombed,
and I can ride Santa's very special reindeer.
Dad, why don't we get Bud one of those scratching posts
to rub against?
You know, it'll save the furniture.
You really want to save the furniture, Kel?
Why don't you stop putting notches on your bedposts?
Now, Bud, apologize to your sister.
No.
Okay.
So, Dad, can we go to that new Lakeside Mall?
No, we can't, and I'll tell you why.
That mall is killing your father.
Oh, I thought Mom was doing that.
Let me tell you kids something about that Lakeside Mall.
It's taken all the business from my mall,
which, if this continues,
we'll be broke and living in a cardboard box
under the El.
Not us. We'll be in a nice warm foster home.
Come on. Let's go, Kel.
Nobody move.
That mall's not so great.
Just a bunch of stores filled with cheap, gaudy merchandise
that only appeals
to the tasteless, low-class shopper.
* Santa Claus is coming To the Lakeside Mall **
Oh, God, I love that Lakeside Mall.
Al, give me some money. I'm going back.
Anyone want to come with me?
I do, I do. Yeah.
Peggy,
I'm ashamed of you.
I know, Al.
Don't you understand?
If people keep shopping there,
we'll be broke and living under the El.
Oh, not me. I can always remarry.
And we'll be in a foster home.
Let's go shopping.
Family, before you go,
would you bring old dad his shotgun
and stand close together?
Come on, Al.
I only go to that mall
because it's so much closer and better than your mall.
I mean, it's not like I was buying shoes there.
You should see it, honey.
For Christmas, they have these little elves
that help you with your packages,
and a real reindeer for the kids to ride...
Although I think he may be dying.
Well, then, let's hurry.
Yeah, come on, Al.
Santa is parachuting into the mall at 5:00.
All right!
Oh, come on.
That's not what Christmas is about.
Christmas is about family and giving.
Okay, here's all the crap my family gave us last year.
It's time for the traditional rewrapping
of this garbage
for your family.
Now...
Well, all except Aunt Pooh's fruitcake.
Everyone in the family already got that.
Dad, you punted that around the house last year.
All right. We'll give it to Steve and Marcie.
Now, has anyone picked out a tree yet?
Oh, you know, the tree in the Ginty house
sure is pretty this year.
It's got lots of tinsel on it.
That'll be our tree.
Now, kids, that's your job.
He throws it out the day after Christmas,
so bring it home.
Right, Dad.
That about does it for Christmas this year.
Oh, I'm tired.
Aren't you forgetting something,
greatest daddy in the world?
Coolest dad in the universe.
You, who makes my life worth living.
You all want your presents, don't you?
No. We really love you.
Ah, life stinks.
Well, okay.
Let me go get my Christmas bonus,
and then I'll go buy your presents.
Dad, you didn't get our presents yet?
It's Christmas Eve. The stores are going to be packed.
Not in my mall, son.
Okay. He's gone.
Now for Daddy's present.
Bud, run upstairs and get a tie out of Daddy's closet.
I'll get a box.
Oh, no, no, no. Wait.
It's Christmas. We should make it special for him.
Bud, get one of his shirts too.
Oh, gosh. I just love Christmas.
I can't wait to see Daddy's face
when he opens it.
That's his favorite shirt.
Yeah, I saw a belt up there
that would be great for his birthday.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi. Do the Rhoades live here?
Why?
I have a delivery for them.
Oh, why, yes. I'm Mrs. Rhoades.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, gee. I don't have any change.
Bud, could you take care of that, please?
Thank you, dear.
Oh, kids, look at what we got
from, uh... The Schmidts from Philadelphia.
Hey, honey.
Look what we got from the Schmidts.
Ah, they're good people.
Uh, Dad, I don't see any presents.
He probably has them in the car, stupid.
Don't you, Dad?
Well, you know how, even when we didn't have too much,
we could always look at the poor people
who were less fortunate than us
and feel better.
Well, let's find a mirror.
Business was so bad,
I didn't get a Christmas bonus this year.
Oh, Al, no.
You mean we told you we loved you for nothing?
So you're telling us there's no reason to live.
Yes, I am.
Dad, I'm not like the others.
I don't care if you have no money.
You're still my father and I love you.
Thanks, son.
You're really getting me a present, right, Dad?
You're just cutting out the women.
Good, because you should hear
how they talk about you.
Nobody gets a present, son.
Pretty low, Dad.
Al, Christmas without presents will be like our birthdays.
Happy birthday, hon.
I know what we can do.
Let's go down to the Lakeside Mall.
Santa's going to drop
gift certificates when he jumps from the plane.
Let's trample the weak and get all we can.
Go to the mall that killed me.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
* We wish you A Merry Christmas *
BOTH: * We wish you A Merry Christmas *
* We wish you A Merry Christmas *
* And a Happy New Year **
Delivery from Santa for the Bundys.
Aw, gee... Well, thank you.
Good thing they're labeled.
I wouldn't want to get them mixed up
with the presents Al gave us.
What did Peggy get you, Al?
Irregularity.
And these two.
Al, have you been to that new mall?
It is a sea of people. Traffic is unbelievable.
Didn't ease up till we got near your mall.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me my present, Steve.
Al, we thought long and hard about this,
and then we came up with the perfect gift.
Here.
We donated some money in your name
to the National Organization for Women.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, that's great.
Do I get tickets to their 10K man-stomp?
All right. It's our turn.
What do we get? What do we get?
A fruitcake.
With a footprint on it.
Mm.
Well, thank you.
Hey, do you mind if we turn on the TV?
It's time for the news.
Maybe they'll show Santa parachuting in
to the Lakeside Mall.
Oh, come on. It's the news.
There's plenty of important stuff on there.
I'm sure they're going to spend their time
to promote a mall.
Well, Connie, I'm here
at the jam-packed Lakeside Mall.
And if their low prices aren't enough,
Santa, wearing a pair of high-top Reeboks
available at Weejee's in the mall,
will be parachuting in any minute now.
And they wonder who's going to fill Cronkite's shoes.
Shh!
There's the Piper Cub
coming out of the clouds now,
and Santa just made the jump.
What a beautiful freefall.
And don't forget,
he's coming with a sack filled with gift certificates
for the Lakeside Mall,
that's the Lakeside Mall,
where shopping isn't just fun, it's news.
Come on! Shh!
Wow, look at him fly.
Why is he flapping his arms like that?
Santa's chute doesn't seem to be opening.
Oh, he's being blown off course.
Our cameras have lost him!
Ladies and gentlemen, we don't know where he is.
[TREE LIMBS CRACK]
[HEAVY THUMP]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Peg.
You know what we ought to do tonight?
We ought to make some Christmas cookies.
Oh, yeah, and maybe some eggnog with nutmeg.
You ghouls!
Don't you understand?
There's a splattered Santa all over your yard.
What do you want me to do, Steve?
Quit eating?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Could you keep her quiet?
We're trying to have a Christmas here.
Well, that about wraps it up out there,
except for a few questions for the coroner's report,
if you don't mind.
Did you know the deceased?
Well, you know, I've read about him in books,
but in books, he's usually going up.
So that's a no.
Did anyone actually see him fall?
I wish.
You know, um, son, I don't want you get confused here, okay?
The real Santa would have never jumped out of a plane
with a bottle of muscatel in each hand.
No, the real Santa, he's alive and well
and he's living at the North Pole,
and he'll visit your house real soon.
I'm sure he'll find it.
It shouldn't be too hard.
Just follow the buzzards.
Uh...
Is that your shoe, Al?
Nope.
Oh, my God.
You know, Mr. Bundy, that's evidence.
Aw, what the hell. It's Christmas.
Let him keep it.
Santa's gone.
I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again.
Well, you're in the right place.
Come on, Marcie. These things happen.
When has this happened?
Come on, Marcie. Cheer up.
It could've been worse.
He could've landed on the picket fence.
Now, calm down and have some Christmas pizza.
[BELLS JINGLING]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Merry Christmas, folks.
Yeah, yeah. God bless us, every one.
KIDS: We want Santa!
Uh-oh.
What's wrong now?
Did the Easter Bunny hang himself in my front yard?
Uh, no. There's kids out there.
This might have a bad effect on them,
this being Christmas
and Santa here looking like tree sap and all.
We can't take him out there now.
Swing him back over that way, boys. Come on.
[BELLS JINGLING]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
It's okay, Marcie. Come on.
I'll take you home.
Yes, home,
where Perry Como sings
and Santa's still alive.
Is Santa okay?
We heard he landed in your yard.
Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, yes. He's fine.
He's a fat, jolly man, and he'll never leave us.
As long as there's a Christmas, there'll be...
Killers!
I'm going to take Marcie upstairs
and lay her down.
Put her on our bed.
Steve, I'm afraid.
I'll lay down newspaper.
Hey, this bag o' Santa's getting pretty heavy over here.
Oh, just put him over by the presents.
There's plenty of room there.
You know, no matter how many bodies I handle,
Christmas corpses always get me down.
Well, that's it.
Now, listen. We're trying to have a holiday here.
So why don't you get out of here
and take the spirit of Christmas with you?
Hey, I'd love to, Mr. Grinch,
but I'm not taking him out there with those kids out there.
Al, get rid of those kids.
If I knew how to do that, we wouldn't have ours.
Okay, everybody.
Uh... Boys and girls,
uh, and you, Tony...
Uh, Santa's okay.
Now, he just had a little bit of Mrs. Bundy's cooking,
and he's in the bathroom, bent over,
but he's going to be fine.
So... Go home.
ALL: We want to see him!
No!
I'm rolling him out right now.
Al, they're children.
This will grow them up.
Sorry, Bundy. Can't let you do that.
For the sake of their mental health,
that body's not going anywhere till those kids have left.
You know, pizza, it always reminds me
of my first day on the job.
Al, you know what you have to do.
ALL: We want Santa!
Come on, Santa!
Ho ho ho.
Hi, everybody.
Yay, Santa!
Thank you. Thank you.
I'm fine.
I landed on my belly.
Ho ho ho.
Merry Christmas, each and every one.
And remember,
I know when you've been sleeping.
I know when you're awake.
You, Joey, I know it was you who lit that bag of doody
and put it on the Bundy porch,
so you're out of luck this Christmas.
But the rest of you will get plenty,
and remember, Santa's not at the Lakeside Mall.
Santa hates the Lakeside Mall.
Go on home now and torture your parents.
Ho ho ho.
But what did you bring us?
Uh, noth--
Nothing yet.
That's why I got to get back to the North Pole
with Dancer and Prancer
and, uh... Donald and Goofy.
But we haven't told you what we want.
Santa knows.
Then what do I want?
I don't know. What do you want?
I want to sit on your lap.
Uh, all right, but make it fast.
Santa has hemorrhoids.
Um... What do you want?
I want to know why you came to Old Man Bundy's house.
Oh, well, I came to bring him special presents
because he sells women's shoes
and is cursed with a foul wife and has ungrateful kids,
but still, he goes on.
But he's a butthead.
No, he's not.
He's the nicest man on the block.
Boy, you must be Santa.
I told you I was. What do you want?
I want a real live horse.
Hmm.
Your mom's the one
who makes pies for everyone in the neighborhood
but those nice Bundys, isn't she?
All right, well,
Santa will leave you a horse tonight
under your tree,
but if it's not there in the morning,
it's because your mommy chased it away
and killed it.
Next.
Aah!
Ah, don't jump on Santa's lap too hard, little girl.
Mrs. Claus won't like that.
No, no, Nestor,
despite what your mom says,
Mr. Bundy doesn't really sprout a tail at midnight,
but here's a special Christmas gift for Daddy.
Tell him to come home for lunch some day
around when Mr. Mailman's there
with a special delivery for Mommy.
That'll be a real yuletide treat for old Dad.
But what do I get?
A new home and a fresh new mommy.
Ho ho ho.
Well, old Santa's got to hit the road,
but I'm going to go in
and say goodbye to my favorite family,
the Bundys.
Be nice to them,
or you won't get Christmas gifts next year.
KID: Santa smells like beer!
Catch me in five minutes, I'll smell like hard liquor.
Ho ho ho.
On, Dondi.
On, Dumbo.
Hi-ho, Silver. Away!
Yay, Santa!
Well, they're gone.
All dead guys and non-relatives, out.
So long, Kel.
Yeah, like they really intended to have you.
Now, kids. We wanted both of you.
It was your father I didn't plan on.
I'm feeling a little better now.
Oh, no! He was better off dead.
Ho ho ho.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, great.
It's probably an elf with a knife in his back.
Hi.
Is this the house
Where the, uh... Yuletide incident occurred?
What's it to you?
Well, I'm from the Lakeside Mall,
and I just wanted to offer our apologies
for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Hey, no problem. No inconvenience.
You just took all my business,
cost me my bonus,
made my family hate me.
That's right.
And on top of all that,
you slam-dunked Santa into my backyard
and almost ruined Christmas for every kid in the neighborhood.
Almost?
Well, you see, my husband dressed up as Santa
so the kids would know he was okay.
By the way, love your mall.
We've got it all.
So, no one around here knows what really happened, huh?
Nope. Thanks to me.
Hey, that ought to be worth something, huh?
Not anymore.
I mean, if the kids think Santa's okay, Santa's okay,
so why should I bribe you
to say something you've already said?
It would be stupid,
kind of like paying that dead guy
for disappointing a whole parking lot full of kids.
I'm saving money right and left here.
It's the best Christmas I've ever had.
Well, that about wraps it up here.
Roll him out, boys.
You know, Bundy, you're a decent guy,
so here's a little tip from me to you.
Don't die with your jewelry on, huh?
Well, Al, look at it this way.
You did a nice thing,
cost us a nice bribe and a shot at a happy Christmas.
Thank your father, kids.
Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Dad.
Yeah, I know I let everybody down.
It's okay, Dad.
It's not like this never happened before.
Yeah.
I mean, the Santa corpse was a new twist,
but heck, it's something to tell a psychiatrist
later on in life.
Yes, it's a Bundy Christmas...
And unfortunately, we're Bundys.
[CLUNK]
What's that?
I don't know, but if it's dead and has a red nose,
we'll throw it in Steve and Marcie's yard.
What is it, Al?
I don't know. It looks like it fell off the roof.
Hey, look!
It's $10 certificates from the Lakeside Mall.
Hundreds of them!
It must have been the bag Santa had when he jumped!
Oh, we're rich! We're rich!
I found it!
Thank your father, kids.
Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Dad.
Let's go bust the mall.
But first, a moment of silence,
as we owe a lot to that jolly, flat man.
Okay, let's go!
[KIDS SHRIEKING]
* Although it's been said *
* Many times, many ways *
* Merry Christmas *
* To you **
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]